Sex scandals and politics have gone together since before the days of JFK. This is not a secret. So it continually surprises me how politician after politician gets caught in a sex scandal and then utterly fails to deal with it properly. Congressman Weiner’s ‘Twittergate’ and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recent scandal are perfect examples of this. So as a public service, I’ve decided to write a speech that avoids most of the pitfalls typically found in these things. If you happen to be a politician caught in a sex scandal, read this and you just might have a chance at reelection.
All Purpose Sex Scandal Speech
My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I speak to you today. There has been a lot of talk in the media about my activities and I am here to clear them up. Yes. I was inappropriate in a relationship outside of my marriage. It was wrong of me. I betrayed the person I was married to and I will work that out one way or another, but at no time did I ever betray the people who were good enough to elect me to this office. I will continue to do the work I was sent here to do despite the personal problems of my own creation. But to be clear, the only person who should have a problem with me at this point is the one person I broke a promise to and I am humbled and ashamed for that.
(Take a moment and let them get the humble/shamed pic of you.)
I apologize for the distraction this has caused from the important issues we should be talking about. I will not be making any other comments about it because it is a personal matter that has regrettably entered into the public spotlight. It was a mistake and I do regret it. Until someone can tell me how this matter has anything to do with my stance on unemployment, national defense, the budget, or any other aspect of my representing them in this office, I will continue to serve the term for which I was elected.
Anyone who feels differently can vote for someone else next term. I thank you for your understanding and look forward to serving you in a better capacity in the future.
– Jack Cameron
Note: If you have a specific problem you’d like me to write a speech for, I am available at reasonable rates.